Jaxson has two Vietnamese classmates in his preschool class. I love this program because the students are very diverse, not just in race but culture as well. Sophia attended the program for two years and her classes were equally diverse, including Vietnamese students in both years. I love it because I encourage the kids to try out their Vietnamese language skills with their fellow Viet classmates. Sophia and her classmates used to quiz each other on their Vietnamese during their snack breaks. Jaxson isn’t as fluent as Sophia was at his age, but he’s had a renewed interest in language. (We’ve been rewatching the Dino Lingo DVDs together.)
I also try to speak Vietnamese to these preschoolers’ parents. Most Vietnamese people seem surprised when I speak to them in our native language. I guess I don’t look like a typical Vietnamese person (whatever that is). Or maybe when they see me with Jaxson, they assume I’m some other kind of Asian. The mother of one child was shocked to hear me address her in Vietnamese, but later seem relieved to have someone to talk to. Now we chat and make small talk when we run pass each other during morning drop off or while we wait for preschool to let out. Just like I do with the other non-Viet parents. We just chat in Vietnamese instead.
The family of the second Vietnamese child hasn’t quite warmed up to me yet. I’ve met the classmate’s father, mother, grandmother and aunt. I’ve only spoken with the father a couple of times because he’s not usually the one to pick up. One day, as we waited for our children to finish their projects before pick-up, the grandmother asked me which kid was mine. I pointed out Jaxson.
After a brief pause, she looked at me. “Well, he looks mixed,” she said in Vietnamese.
“That’s because he is,” I responded, also in Vietnamese. It was the best response I could think of right then. After all, it’s the truth. My son is mixed race.
I focused my attention back on Jaxson, but I could feel the grandmother looking at me. Judging me. I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks now. Perhaps I was being too sensitive. Was she really judging me? Would have asked if Jaxson had lighter skin? If he was mixed with a white daddy instead of a black one? Probably not. Instead she might have mentioned how handsome he was because of his biracial skin.
This is one reason for my reluctance in finding a Vietnamese community or group for our family. Vietnamese folks, especially those who are immigrants, are not as accepting of folks who marry outside our culture, much less race. We’re a conservative community. (Never bring up Barack Obama around my dad.) I have relatives who pretend I no longer exist because I married a black man. It took my parents years to come around. The younger Viet generation (hello, millenials!) or those who have married outside the Vietnamese culture are cool with us. In fact they think our kids are beautiful. (I think so too, but I’m biased.)
The other mother and I still chitchat. Our kids enjoy playing together in preschool. She’s never asked me about Jaxson’s race. She’s met my husband.
I don’t have a solution or answer to this. I know it’s an issue that I personally have to come to terms with because I don’t want my kids to miss out on their Vietnamese community. But I don’t want them to be alienated for not being 100% Vietnamese either. This won’t be the last time that I’ll be judged by a Vietnamese person for choosing to marry outside of my race and culture. It’s not just me. I have non-Viet friends who married into a Vietnamese family, and for some, the family barely tolerates them. All I can tell them is that I don’t know how to change it. It took my parents a long time to come around. I don’t think it was anything I did either. Well, except for popping out two grandkids for them.
No matter what, I’ll keep talking about this. Everyone wants to be accepted by their culture. When you find someone in which you share a language, who grew up eating the same foods as you did or celebrates the same holidays as you, it’s natural to want to connect with them. It always hurts when they deny us that connection, no matter how superficial or flimsy the excuse is.
Have you had a similar experience with your culture or family?
I hate that you are going through that. We had some Vietnamese neighbors and were excited to have my sons play with them. One time, one of the grandmother's told my boys that they could not come inside because they were Black. Yes. When they came home and told me, I was hot. I wanted to march down the street and set it straight. But I talked to my dear friend (who is Caucasian BTW, and I only say this in context of this comment.) and she told me this. Be kind to them. Because when they think of Black people (and Christians as this was the context of the conversation as well) in general they can say, "But you know, I know xyz and they are not like that." Like it or not, our actions will break the cycle. I'm glad that the kids have a chance to learn from one another. Gives me hope that the links will eventually rust out.
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What sage advice from your neighbor!
I find it so annoying that folks seem to point it out that someone's child is mixed race. I think there is hardly anyone left in the US who isn't of mixed races. Though I'm light skinned I'm a mutt with a lot of European, Native American and some African in me. I say stop staring and pointing fingers folks!
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Agreed Rebecca. But unfortunately in some cultures that is a big deal. Sad to see and hear stories like this. All we can do is live and be kind. Again, thanks Thien-Kim for the post
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I'm Jewish.. culturally as well as religiously.. my husband is not. It's caused issues… and I suppose it always will. I live in an area where it's not always safe to be Jewish, which does not help, obviously.
Hate is a horrible thing.
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My parents (white French Canadian and black Caribbean) had a hard time finding a priest to marry them in the late 70s. The French side never really took to my dad, but they were good with us kids. I feel closer to the black side, which has always been more welcoming.
My son is also mixed now – he looks totally white, but has my features. Still, I have been mistaken for being his nanny. (You can find the post on my blog if you want to read it. It's called I Am Not The Babysitter)
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As you know my son's skin tone is on the light side. I still get the questions and looks. I've gotten to the point that I no longer care (as much) if people judge or what they think "happened". Seems there will always be some people like this. But their few. More people will be happy to find out your son is mixed. Keep being a part of your Vietnamese community and you'll find them. I do all the time 🙂
Hi Thien-Kim, I enjoy reading your post and tweets, especially Vietnamese recipes like "banh xeo" the other day. It is good that you have your kids to be a part of Vietnamese community. Kids should be proud of their backgrounds and traditions. Please keep talking to your kids in Vietnamese. It is easier when they are young. When they are older, from my own experience, it is harder for them to learn. About Vietnamese folks, those who are not as accepting of folks who marry outside our culture, they are very old fashion, don't pay attention about what they think or do. You live your life. Trang Phan@trangkphan
Its still sad that this is still an issue for folks smh Just continue to live your life; its your best revenge
I am fortunate to that my parents never cared what kind of guy I dated. They taught me to appreciate and speak to all cultures. My children will be half Puerto Rican and half Portuguese. the languages are similar and so are some of the traditions. We do have the same religion. In that respect I'm lucky. I hope your kids do find a community of people that embraces their similarities and doesn't discriminae against their differences! They are beautiful!
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