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| Musing Momma's Zippy, age 2 |
There are certain things not to say to the parent of a
biracial child. These are comments or questions that are insensitive, because
the person asking usually isn’t considering (or doesn’t care) how the person
being asked is going to experience the question. I can’t speak on behalf of all
parents of biracial children, but I feel safe saying these comments run a high risk
of be perceived as rude, making the parent uncomfortable, or even really
offending someone.
When it comes to race, I’m reluctant to tell someone not to say something. When people avoid talking about race it shuts
down dialogue, which is invaluable when it comes to changing attitudes and
disputing stereotypes. So I’d like to
explain why the following comments could
be insensitive:
I
wonder what your baby is going to look like.
Mixed
babies are just so cute.
Why
is he so light?
Can
I touch his hair?
These are all things that people have said to me personally.
The one I haven’t experienced first-hand but is often heard by parents of
biracial kids is some variation of: Is
she adopted? Is he yours? Are you the
nanny?
Each time I was pregnant and after my boys were born, I was
very protective of my babies, like any mother would be. My boys are unique and
perfect and beloved… like any child is to his or her parents. When people made comments like the ones
above, the focus seemed to shift from my baby
to his race. I felt a bit like
the sideshow in a circus, especially when these comments came out of the blue
or were from people I didn’t know very well. These comments objectified my babies. And though I’m
not the type of person who starts fuming at insensitive remarks, they do make
me feel uncomfortable and put on-the-spot.
Being in an interracial marriage and having biracial kids is
definitely a part of who I am, and I’m happy to muse about it with friends who
have a genuine interest in understanding our experience, with other multiracial
families, or in a situation where I go in expecting and wanting to talk about
that part of my family. I blog about it, so obviously the topic isn’t
off-limits for me. But multiracial families don’t want to be singled out by
strangers. We don’t want the focus on our family or children to be about race.
We don’t want to feel we must defend or explain ourselves. Like most parents,
we just want people to see our family as beautiful, happy, healthy, and strong.
That’s the general explanation of why comments like the ones
above can make me feel uncomfortable or defensive. Now I offer a breakdown of
each question, just to satisfy any lingering curiosity.
I wonder what your baby will look like? This question always
came from people who knew my husband was black, but didn’t know us well. The
underlying question was clearly: I wonder
what color he’ll be? How “black” will he be? When I was pregnant, I
wondered this too. It’s fine to wonder, but it’s not necessary to ask. See
reasons above.
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| Musing Momma's Bee, 8 months |
Mixed babies are so cute! Aren’t all babies cute? I’ve never,
ever heard someone say “White babies are just so adorable,” so why would a
person specify “mixed babies” are so
cute? On the surface, this comment may seem like a compliment. It may be an
effort to be supportive or show the parent how liberal one is (Hey! I’m down with mixed babies!), but
instead it takes my unique baby, an individual, and focuses on his race as what
makes him cute. Just tell me how adorable he
is. (Side note: Personally, I strongly prefer the term biracial to mixed.)
Why is he so light? Wow
– now how should I answer this? Every time I’ve been asked this, I’ve wanted to
say “Shhhh, don’t tell my husband, but this is really the cable guy’s kid.” But
I’m only a smart-ass in my head and too nice to be one out loud. Asking a parent why his child is so light is
asking him to justify or explain something that has a very straightforward
answer. Here it is: My child is light because he is light. It’s genetics. It
happens for the same reason two brunettes can have a child with blonde hair. Remember that biology lesson on phenotype vs.
genotype? Biracial kids who are black/white vary widely in their skin-tone,
hair texture, and the extent to which they look like the template people have
in their heads of what a black person “looks
like.” When people ask the question, it is probably because they don’t realize
that every black person doesn’t look like the image they have in their
mind. I am sure this question is driven
by curiosity, but asking why my child is so light suggests that my child
doesn’t look the way he “should” and that there must be some intriguing explanation.
(This reasoning applies to any question
about why a biracial kid doesn’t look more like one of their parents.)
Can I touch his hair? At first, I wondered if I was just being
overly sensitive when I felt uncomfortable with this question. Maybe it’s a
common question when kids have gorgeous curls. Since my (white) niece has a head
full of ringlets, I asked my stepsister if people ever ask to touch her hair.
Nope. They may comment on how beautiful
her hair is, but they don’t ask to touch
it. To me, this is a matter of boundaries and appropriateness. Wouldn’t it seem
just a little weird and awkward if a stranger started feeling up your head? Also,
it’s important to consider how the child will experience this question and,
over time, how he’ll feel about being singled out for physical traits. Check
out the book DoesAnybody Else Look Like Me? by Donna Jackson Nakazawa for a great
description of how the attention paid to biracial kids for their “unique”
features can make them feel uncomfortable.
Is he adopted? Is she yours? Are you the nanny? Like most
people, when I see a family that doesn’t fit the “mold” in my community, one of
my first reactions is to wonder what their story is. But then I remind myself
families come together in many ways and I move on, because it’s not my business
to ask. If the person asking doesn’t know the family well enough to already
know the answer, she probably doesn’t need
to know the answer. It’s a personal question. If the child isn’t adopted, it’s awkward to be asked this and again the parent
is being asked to (unnecessarily) explain his or her family. And if the child is adopted, why does it matter? The
answer may be long and complicated and unless you are close friends (in which
case you probably already know the answer), expecting the person to explain is
very intrusive. For more about how this question affects the person or family
being asked, check out these great posts:
Have biracial kids? I’d love to know what is on your “don’t
ask/don’t say” list.
Ellie lives in the
Northeast with her husband and two amazing, very active boys. In a former life
she worked as a child psychologist, which was great preparation for motherhood
but still no guarantee she knows what the heck she’s doing at any given time.
You can find her writing about parenting, marriage, and raising biracial kids
on her blog, Musing Momma, and on Facebook.
Edited: Check out More What Not to Say to Parents of Biracial Children
Edited: Check out More What Not to Say to Parents of Biracial Children
